We have all had to deliver some form of bad news to patients and I am no exception. Whether it be informing parents they have lost their unborn child, discussing end-stage kidney, heart or lung disease and needing to determine end-of-life care.
It is a conversation I have had many times throughout my career and I have been as caring as possible to my patients. It is always emotional and I am there for them in their time of need as tears are sometimes shed.
That statement has resulted in an outpouring of tears from men, women, young and old. I have been on the receiving end of a full emotional spectrum before my last steps out the door. Together, we have experienced stages of grief over this event.
There have been those in denial, with of course, the ubiquitous “You are too young to retire!” as at 51, I am years away from the typical retirement age for doctors, especially primary care.
Amongst the emotions, what has surprised me the most has been the anger. Statements that sting are those such as: “I hate you,” or “Does everyone hate you as much as me?” “You don’t care about me,” “You’re mean,” “You’re selfish,” and “The nerve of you!”
Many patients have bargained with me “You only see me once every 6 months, so you only have to work 2 days a year.” “If they pay you more will you stay?” “Can you do house calls?” Or “Could you see me out of your garage?”
I guess I have gone through some grieving as well due to my admitted burnout and planned exit from my practice. I announced my intention to retire and submitted paperwork about a year ago.
The anger would sometimes fade into melancholy, another 13 hour work day with no lunch and no time to exercise or to spend time with family. Work/sleep/work/sleep and repeat, spinning on the hamster wheel; it seemed like old times in residency.
I am now to the point of acceptance. I have enough and I’ve had enough. With my final days winding down I no longer worry about the comments. I will get through to the end by working days off and weekends to provide the best care possible, if that is what is needed.